To start the year, I am writing a series of posts around the “the career of life” series. In these posts, I focus on experiences and skills that help us succeed in our careers, but also and perhaps more importantly, at being human.
I moved to New York about 20 years ago. For me, the thing about moving to the US is that beyond learning its culture, and adapting to a new language, earlier on, I always felt like an observe and as an outside viewer, I came to understand that in America those who are direct and to the point, often get their way but often alienate others. Opposite to that, those who don’t communicate and expect others to read their mind, may please others but feel unhappy.
The key to effective communication seems to be somewhere in between, knowing who you’ll be having a conversation and adapting your communication style to fit them. Consequently, I tend to associate direct but authentic requests not just with the US but with anybody who is emotionally intelligent.
As a result, I would like to share some of the communicational best practices I am trying to exercise as I think about how to communicate better:
- Ensuring I am a 100% clear on what it is that I want and that I can convey it in a simple manner: I can’t tell you the amount of times, I felt that I was drowning in a glass of water because while knowing that something was wrong I couldn’t quite relay it to myself or put it in simple words. Most importantly, you can’t communicate, what you don’t understand. As a result, I believe that all effective communication begins with internal clarity.
- Preparing people and alerting them that a request/or conversation is coming: No one is a mind reader, I found it very difficult to have serious conversation with bosses or partners if they are not in the right mind space to do so. A quick heads up alerting the other party that I would need dedicated time to speak is often very simple and ensures that the other person is ready for a dialogue.
- Be as direct as possible: Rather than, “I wonder if you are available this Saturday” Or “What are the prospects of getting a raise this year” I think you are better served with something along the lines of: “I was hoping to see you this Saturday at 7PM, are you available?” or “I have more than met my goals this year and would like to discuss steps in which we could increase my compensation? “
- Add backup information to your requests: Earlier today, I asked my sister if she would consider taking the coronavirus vaccine. She has been relatively healthy throughout the pandemic and I knew she was unlikely to take it. The ask didn’t stop there, I also let her know that I would like to see her more and taking this vaccine would make me more comfortable while doing so. Doing this allows her to have (what it seems to me) vital information that should allow her to better consider your requests.
- Be ok with a no: In any conversation where there’s a possibility of a yes, you also should be highly content with a no. If you only make requests when you are absolutely sure of the outcome, you’ll end up missing out in life. As a result, I would rather ask for everything, even if the person is likely to say no, because at the very least, they’ll know about my concerns, or things that are on my mind.
After making some of these changes, and doing my best to practice them on a daily basis, I have come to understand that clear and direct communication is not only appreciated in America, but everywhere.
Being bold about stating how you feel, while being brave enough to not only do so when it is convenient for you, allows you to stretch yourself.
More importantly, most of my important relationships have either deepened or become more authentic as a result of these practices. How about you? Do you feel that you have room to improve your requests?
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