I have written and rewritten this sentence 235 times.
Well actually the number is higher or lower depending on whether writing and re-writing in your head as a thought exercise is part of the count.
For the last two months, I feel that I have lost all of my ideas, good habits and ability to engage in any project that I told myself I would do on a daily basis. These include growing a YouTube channel, establishing a blog and running a part time-advertising agency. Perhaps, I am too ambitious, perhaps I don’t have adequate systems (this maybe unlikely), but I have a sneaky suspicion that what is happening is far worse:
I just don’t feel like it.
And to me this is worse, I know that motivation is fleeting and that discipline, routine and habits should allow us to do the work. I think I have all the right excuses: I have a three year old, I work a strenuous job and have been searching for a house in the biggest seller market of all times. But to me that’s not enough, because deep down, something is nagging at me:
I think that I just don’t feel like it.
In my mind, I should be able to handle parenthood, work and whatever life throws at me all while watching the “Friends” reunion special on HBO. I have read and taken courses on productivity, I was a fan of Tim Ferris before he was famous, Getting Things Done is my bible! I don’t just read, I actually practice it: Most mornings, I write a to-do list, I meditate, I brew super-special coffee, do a little bit of journaling and honestly whatever else is on most people list of “best morning routine ever”.
Productivity mumbo-jumbo IS my real life.
But when it comes to writing this blog and doing my YouTube video it just does not work. So I do, what most of us do. I do it intermittently: I write when I can, I do a video when I can. And I try to turn up the temperatures on these projects by telling as many people as possible, signing up to courses and perhaps getting an accountability buddy or two. And for a while it works, for a few months I am on fire, but like fireflies at night, it eventually burns out.
Inevitably, I regress to the mean and as I write this I realize that there’s no fix for underachieving in some aspects of your life when you identify as an overachiever. That perhaps I am good at working out most days, working most days, but for other things it will be struggle.
After much back and forth this is what I am ending up with: That I do need to force myself to this writing because compare to my workouts or even my morning routine is a new habit…A habit to be developed. At the same time, I may have to give me a little bit of room and even more time, and remind myself that I could never plan for the ebbs and flows of life and that sometimes it is better to navigate life rather than direct it.
To struggle is ok, and honestly it is also the reason that I am writing this today. I understand more and more how anywhere close to perfect when it comes to most goals is impossible to achieve. Consequently, I am taking the opportunity to give you this massively imperfect but perfectly finished (and published) blog post.